May 17th, 2008 Swamped

I’m really flooded with everything. Thoughts about what’s goin on here in the house. Sad that my mom is leaving this Monday. We haven’t had any big holiday vacation when my mom is here, it’s more of a natural thing that you’re mom is just at home with you. And I think that’s what I feel is so special about it, It just feels good that my mom is around and it’s sad that she has to leave again for work. But we all know that she has to but it is still sad.

I’m also frustrated that I have to go through months living here in the house with my aunt. With her, there’s always awkward moment, there’s always authoritative feeling that is so uncomfortable. It’s like you’re living with invincible fragile house rules that is just so ridiculous.

I’m also troubled with what I want to do with my studies [ I need all the advice I could get. lol ], It’s almost June and I still feel that I’m not ready for a school schedule. I want to go back but I guess I want to extend another semester. I know I have wasted a lot of time already but I also know that I will be wasting more time if I’ll jump into it while I’m not ready yet. My mom have this feeling that I don’t want to go back, which is not true.. She is asking me to just go with her to Jakarta first and she’s asking if I want to go to school in Singapore. I like the offer but I know better right now. The cost of living in Singapore is very expensive and the school expenses are expensive too, I have screwed and wasted a lot of money already from my previous school. I used to pay like 2400 dollars per year on my first course for just the tuition fee and I have wasted all of that. As much as the offer right now is concern, I dont want my mom to spend that amount of money for me again… I want to be sure this time.

I’m thinking of working. But the term alone terrifies me. I haven’t experienced any work.. any of it [my mom wouldn't allow me, what should I do? hehehe]. lol.. But I want to work. I want to work while I study. Coz I’m not getting any younger and even if I’m sure my mom will give me anything I need, I still want to invest and save on my own.

My aunt have this great idea saying that I can go with her to Malaysia this July and she’ll look for a job for me there while I’m on vacation. But I have no intention of staying in Malaysia if ever, I just want to visit. lol.. but who knows what will happen, right?

My thoughts, My self is all over the place right now. But I’m still me, I refused on sulking this time and I try to enjoy the ‘moments’ here as much as I can.

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